When purpose is not known they say, abuse is inevitable. This is one saying I strongly believe in. It is so funny the way relationships are approached in this day and age. It really beats my imagination. When we are employed in our jobs, we are given a contract, which includes our job description, company policy and procedures, our pay package and most times we are even told the determinants for progression within our roles. We take all this in, and put in our best to succeed and for some workaholics like myself, we even go above and beyond and we succeed. But when it comes to our relationships, we are not willing to do even a quarter of it, and little wonder why relationships fail.
For sometime, I had a very rough time with my manager and during all those times, it unconsciously pushed me to be the best and avoid all the confrontations. And my regular line at the time was " I wont give anyone ammunition to fight me" and I tried everything within me to do every thing right. And when my performance was viewed against the Key Performance Indicators, I was top of the league. Its not rocket science, if we try hard at it, success is guaranteed and relationships are no exemption to this.
I also strongly believe in definition. A lady was in a relationship with a man and after a while she asks the man, could you define this relationship and tell me where we are headed? A question some guys shy away from. But if we do not know where we are going how can we know when we get there or what we need to get there? We do not enter our cars and just start driving. The navigator usually wants us to put a location and when we arrive at our destination, we are informed. I would advise every person in a relationship/marriage to have a clear definition of where it is headed and for individuals with children to inculcate it in their children to always have a clear purpose/definition of what they do especially relationships, it saves a lot of pain and time.
I was stunned however when I accidentally bumped into this article in my mailbox, and the reality of these words really got me thinking of how much we could achieve if we just had a clear defined frame work and did this right rather than rely on emotions that are not reliable. If we go into relationships with our head, we end up coming out confused, but when we go into it with Gods leading, we build on a firm foundation that cannot be shaken! Enjoy the read and share your thoughts....
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else" - Yogi Berra.
Do you have a "purpose-driven marriage?" Read on for some interesting thoughts on the subject, written by Dr Fred Lowery, from his book,
"Covenant Marriage":
"Here's an important principle every married person and every person thinking about marriage--should know: A good marriage doesn't happen by accident. In fact, to survive amidst all the pressures, pains and pitfalls of life in the twenty-first century, a marriage today must be more
proactive and more intentional than ever before. It must be PURPOSE DRIVEN.
"What does it mean to have a purpose-driven marriage? It means that you and your spouse have a basic understanding of the kind of marriage you are trying to build and what it will take to make it happen. It means that you are willing to work together toward that common goal. But most couples I talk to in premarital counseling haven't got a clue what the purpose of their marriage is.
"When I say to the typical prospective groom, 'What is the purpose and goal of your marriage?' he shifts his feet around and finally says, 'I
don't know. I just love her' (which is a hormonally driven expression for, 'I want s-x without guilt').
"When I ask the typical bride-to-be the same question, she rolls her eyes, giggles, and utters a few words in fairy-tale language about finally
finding her 'Knight in shining armor.' (That's female speak for, 'I'm being rescued from my home by one who will wow me for the rest of my
life.')
"In a magazine article titled, 'Marriage: What's the Point?' author Susan Dixon admits that she stood at an altar in a beautiful white gown and
said, 'I do' without having the slightest idea of what she was getting herself into. 'It took nearly twenty-five years and a divorce before I
began to understand something I should have known before that ceremony ever took place,' she writes. 'In the quarter century that has passed
since I naively repeated my wedding vows, I've become more and more aware that relationships die for lack of purpose. If there is no valid, defined, and acknowledged purpose for our relationship, chances are we'll have trouble keeping it alive.'
"Do you know what is the purpose of marriage? What is the purpose of YOUR marriage? Do you have a well-defined purpose? Do you know where your relationship is headed? Do you know where you want your marriage is headed? Do you know where you want your marriage to be 5, 10, or 30 years from now?
"Do you have common hopes and dreams for the future? This is an important question because, as Neil Clark Warren writes in "The Triumphant
Marriage," without a shared dream a marriage relationship 'will eventually die.' According to Warren, dreams inspire hope & thereby 'stimulates the brain and mobilize the action center. Hope stimulates planning. Planning produces behavior designed to move you forward.' The end result is positive progress in a marriage relationship.
"If you can answer 'yes' to these three essential questions, Warren asserts, you have a healthy dream and will serve your marriage well:
- "Is a dream equally inclusive of both you and your [future] spouse and your life together?
- "Is the dream broad enough?
- "Are both of you strongly committed to the dream you have for your life together?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR VALUES AND BELIEFS?
- "Do you and your [future] spouse share the same values?
- "Do you have similar religious beliefs?
- "What is really important to each of you?
"These are critical questions. Even secular counselors acknowledge the importance of shared beliefs & values in building a successful marriage.
If you're not sure what you value, ask yourself:
- "What do I really want to be?
- "What do I really want to do?
- "What do I really want to have?
"Get your [future] spouse to answer the same questions, & then discuss your responses together. What values and beliefs do your answers reflect? What are you expecting out of marriage? What are the expectations of your mate? Ecstatic bliss? A romantic paradise? Do you both want children, & if so, how many? Do you expect to make enough money to build a dream house?
"How realistic are your expectations & what happens when they're not met? What happens when your relationship gets boring? When it gets bumpy or bitter? What price are you willing to pay to have a great marriage that goes the distance? Are you both willing to make the relationship an absolute priority? Are you willing to be there for your spouse even through the bad times?
"Is your marriage self-centered or God-centered? Is your 1st thought, 'What will make me happy?' Or is it, 'What will make my Lord happy &
ultimately strengthen my relationship with my spouse? Do you approach your marriage as a contract or a covenant? The Bible clearly reveals that covenant oneness with your mate --oneness that is spiritual, emotional and physical --is God's ultimate goal and purpose for marriage. Two become one. If you approach marriage as a covenant, you already have this built-in purpose. Your relationship with your spouse (next to our relationship with God) is the most important thing in your life.
"If you approach marriage as a contract, however, you're likely to emphasize rules and regulations over relationship. Many self-help books on
the market offer practical rules for living with a spouse and promise that if you'll just follow those rules, you'll have a happy marriage. The
problem is, when you emphasize following rules over building relationship, you only breed resentment and rebellion in your mate. Rules without relationship equal disaster in a marriage."
………………………….
Is your marriage purpose-driven --one that honors God and doesn't pattern itself by the world's standards? As Dr. Lowrey also said: "Clearly we can no longer pattern our marriages after the people around us--if we ever could. Not only does the world not know how to divorce-proof its
marriages, it is well on the way to making broken relationships the norm!"
If you consider yourselves "Christians" it's important to study the Scriptures, & live your marriage as God created it to be: A sacred,
permanent, covenant commitment. Line your marriage up with God's original plan and work His plan. That will involve being willing to die to our own agendas, putting our marriages and our spouse' interests above our own self-interest. Nothing less will do.
Cindy and Steve Wright
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