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(photocredit;examiner.com)
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I came across this article written by Jenny Schermerhorn, but the timing I would say was divinely orchestrated. I believe God indeed orders the paths of His children. I say this because before I came across this article, I had a few people at the time who shared the challenges they were experiencing in their marriages with me. Some were actually at the verge of giving up. But amazing things happen I say when we pray and decide to view the glass as half full rather than half empty. Sometimes really, all we need is to "take a chill pill" and not get worked up about every single incidence. After reading the article, I had to write Jenny personally and gain her consent to share this. I hope it blesses a relationship. Always remember, no relationship is beyond repair especially when we make God the centre of it all.
“I want a husband, not a roommate!” I thought. Young kids,
busy jobs, and church commitments left my husband and me as little more than
two adults sharing the same house. We occupied the same space, talked in short
directives like “she needs a diaper change,” “grab that will you,” “the van
needs gas,” and filed jointly on our taxes, but our relationship was thread
bare.
The onslaught of needs started early with our two little
girls bursting into our bedroom, and my attention shifted to caring for them as
we moved through our morning routine. I could see Stephen brushing his teeth,
eating his breakfast, and filling his coffee mug, but only through a haze of
brushing hair, spilled orange juice and lunch making. Insert pre-school
drop-off, work, pick-up, afternoon errands, loads of laundry and dinner-prep
and by the time he arrived home in the evenings, I was toast. As an introvert
who needs time alone to recharge, being with co-workers and children all day is
especially challenging. At 6 pm, the inside of my head was roaring staticand I
even had trouble stringing words into complete sentences. Bleary eyed, I looked
longingly at quiet spaces in our house: my bed, the laundry room, even the
bathroom, aching for solitude.
But dinner and bedtime still loomed. We’d finish (or start)
dinner side by side, but “how did your day go?” inquiries were always
interrupted by crying children or burning bread. By 8 pm dinner would be
cleaned up, and the kids would be in bed. But our emotional and physical energy
was gone. The best we could do was sit side by side to watch television while
falling asleep. Very romantic.
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| (photocredit:relationshiprocketscience.com) |
I thought back to quiet dinners, holding hands on walks,
Saturday projects that included lots of laughter, and felt hollow inside. Yes,
I knew that having children changes the time and energy you have to invest in
each other, but I had a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach that something
was wrong.
Was our husband-wife intimacy and oneness, dissolving? No
big fights, seething hatred or infidelity, but would our exhaustion and
distance degrade further to hard-heartedness and ambivalence? I brainstormed what
we might do to re-connect, but the regular prescriptions of “plan a date
night”, “go away together” or “find a common hobby” all seemed to require money
or energy we didn’t have. (Who knew eating Subway could still cost you $30 by
the time you include a sitter!?) The thought of adding one more thing to my
daily “to do” list made me weepy. What were we going to do?!
I approached an older couple from our church and asked if
they might be willing to come to our house and give us some guidance. We had
sat under their teaching in several different classes, and I valued their
honesty and transparency. Ensconced on our sagging couch one evening, sipping
coffee, they listened to our fears and asked a few questions about our routine
and commitments. They comforted us with the assurance that many spouses feel
this distance, pressure and stress while parenting young children. As they
shared some of their own memories of years with small children, traveling
spouses, and low energy, I felt some of my fear dissolve. It is deeply
comforting to be understood and advised by someone who has traveled through a
similar struggle and come through with a blooming marriage.
Towards the end of our time together they asked us, “Could
you get up 15 minutes earlier?” They encouraged us to connect with each other
before the needs of each day sapped our focus and energy. “Drink some coffee,
do a short devotional, pray for each other. Hold hands. Look each other in the
eye. Ask what the other has on their plate for the day.” We promised to try it,
and they prayed for us before they left. I wondered what fifteen short minutes
could do, but we set the alarm those few minutes earlier that night.
A year later I can’t say we start every day this way. But
most mornings we do, and it’s changed our perspective on each day. Instead of
feeling like two adults staggering under the weight of separate commitments and
then falling into bed each night, we feel more like a team, a couple, aware of
the other’s needs, and prayerfully supportive of each other’s daily challenges.
Now that my husband doesn’t feel like such a stranger, I’ll
hug him in the kitchen with little kids hanging off my legs, begging me for
Oreos while we make dinner. I grab his hand while we hustle the kids into
church, or text him at work to let him know I’m thinking of him. We didn’t have
to find $50 “extra” bucks in the budget to go out once a week, or book a Bed
and Breakfast, we just sliced out a tiny space in our routine to re-commit to
doing life together, and not just somewhere in the proximity of each other. (extract from ibelieve.com)
Jenny Schermerhorn
It is one thing to dream a dream and it is rewarding to see people not just believe in your dream, but run with it and support holistically. And by this I mean morally, financially and to constantly have ideas and contributions flowing in. Through this medium, we want to say a 'BIG THANK YOU' to everyone who has supported this dream, your contribution towards this dream has proved really invaluable and we cant wait to bring back the 'spark' into various families.
